she'd been debating about a lot of things lately. without recognizing that these internal debates simply made her feel empty inside, she found herself seeking something, anything that would fill the void.
she'd done things lately that she wasn't particularly proud of. she wouldn't say that she regretted them, but they weren't things that she was screaming out to the world that she'd been doing. she was making mistakes left right and center and pushing herself past her own comfort limits.
she knew that someone would get hurt. she'd hated herself for having to tell her that she just wanted to be friends... and hated herself even more for still going to his place when it was clear that things were simply going to go no where... she didn't know which was worse, the thought of hurting someone else, the thought of getting hurt, or the thought that neither of them cared enough to be hurt...
she can't change the past. she still has control over her own future choices, but she wonders if she cares enough to stand up for herself... and she's scared of her own answer to that particular debate. she tries to turn up the volume on her iTunes and block out the world and refocus on debates that will clarify life rather than confuse it more.
maybe life is supposed to be a mixture of confusing mistakes.
or maybe she was just really good at fucking things up.
1 comment:
the past will always be inside. mistakes will one day be the right choices that we were seeking, and regret is something that sometimes we just need to live with and move on from and know that at the time, it was the right choice, or the wrong choice, or the fucked up and confusing choice, but it was the choice that was made for all the right reasons at the time. but the future, my dear, is all yours, full of wonder and choice, and the opportunity to do those things that are true to yourself, that fill that void and that allow you to become who you are.
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