so she hated waiting more than anything. it was just one of those things she'd learned about herself over the years. she'd learned a great deal about herself as the years had gone by. there was also a lot that she was still unsure of. and a few things she wasn't sure she'd ever be willing to admit to.
recently, she'd been referring to herself as "nomadic". she always said it with a smile visible and a laugh in her voice but part of her was swallowing back tears. she was longing to get back that 'settled' feeling that she had had in her youth. the feeling that happened when you felt comfortable in your own space, confident in what the next day would bring. she'd lost that awhile back and wasn't readily seeing it's return anytime soon.
she didn't want the feeling of "nomadic" to be confused with the sensation of being lost. she'd felt like she was lost before but now... now she knew enough of herself and of her friends that she felt grounded-- just the sensation of being unsettled was dividing her and ... contentment? "what is the word that suits what i'm seeking..." she often wondered.
among the things she was attempting to determine about this "seeking" was if someone else fit into the image. she worked weddings... and not in the sense that she found herself at them often (which she also did) but as in she needed to sell the idea, the vision, the passion and the celebration. while this is a common type of employment, she wasn't exactly... how do you say... the romantic type?
she'd stuck her toe into the water on various occasions yet always felt as if it would quickly drown her if she jumped in further. she was independent to the point where she was terrified that should she release or relinquish that even slightly, that she'd lose her grip on it and forget herself entirely. was that possible? or was she simply too chicken to take a risk on trusting someone else... was it possible to mesh independence and a connection like that? maybe oneday she'd figure it out. or maybe she'll always be a lonely chicken.
