so she hated waiting more than anything. it was just one of those things she'd learned about herself over the years. she'd learned a great deal about herself as the years had gone by. there was also a lot that she was still unsure of. and a few things she wasn't sure she'd ever be willing to admit to.
recently, she'd been referring to herself as "nomadic". she always said it with a smile visible and a laugh in her voice but part of her was swallowing back tears. she was longing to get back that 'settled' feeling that she had had in her youth. the feeling that happened when you felt comfortable in your own space, confident in what the next day would bring. she'd lost that awhile back and wasn't readily seeing it's return anytime soon.
she didn't want the feeling of "nomadic" to be confused with the sensation of being lost. she'd felt like she was lost before but now... now she knew enough of herself and of her friends that she felt grounded-- just the sensation of being unsettled was dividing her and ... contentment? "what is the word that suits what i'm seeking..." she often wondered.
among the things she was attempting to determine about this "seeking" was if someone else fit into the image. she worked weddings... and not in the sense that she found herself at them often (which she also did) but as in she needed to sell the idea, the vision, the passion and the celebration. while this is a common type of employment, she wasn't exactly... how do you say... the romantic type?
she'd stuck her toe into the water on various occasions yet always felt as if it would quickly drown her if she jumped in further. she was independent to the point where she was terrified that should she release or relinquish that even slightly, that she'd lose her grip on it and forget herself entirely. was that possible? or was she simply too chicken to take a risk on trusting someone else... was it possible to mesh independence and a connection like that? maybe oneday she'd figure it out. or maybe she'll always be a lonely chicken.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
the past/ totally unprepared, mid-laugh, beer in hand
she'd had a lot of time to spend with herself lately.
did she spend it well? she spent time watching mindless,
brainless, pointless t.v. and reading randomness online.
did she spend the time in deep soul searching moments?
not once.
okay, well maybe once. a little over a year ago she'd done
what she never thought she'd be able to do- she found
the strength to say "no, i don't want you in my life" she
cut out the one who manipulated her, made her cry, made
her constantly, consistently feel guilty, made her feel like
she was just never enough. in doing so, the ties had been
cut with many of the people in her life- not her choice,
but a consequence of her choice that she had no control
over.
she'd been called many a nasty thing by these others-
the ones who were close enough to think they maybe-kind-of
understood what was going on but were no closer to understanding
anything involved. she'd never really told her
side to these others, choosing instead to be the stronger
person and realize that she deserved better. one of these
others found her when she was at her weakest- an intoxicated late
night/early morning just a day or two after the one year anniversary
of the severing (now referred to her as the exorcism of she-
a funny label given that she had done the exorcising...)
she was totally unprepared, mid-laugh, beer in hand, when she looked
up to see her. the girl had been a hippie type and had been one
of the worst to pass along nasty messages. the hippie had referred
to her as the worst a human could possible be. she was not
interested in hearing more of this- she had avoided the hippie until
now. but eye contact was made and an unoccupied seat beside her filled.
the strangest thing followed- the hippie apologized. and the hippie's
eyes filled with tears and the hippie kept apologizing. she didn't know
what to say- so she said it was okay, no hard feelings, that she
understood (which she did to a point), that it was all forgotten.
the hippie departed in tears shortly after making her cry. she shook it
off and attempted to return to the laughter and love that filled her
life when she was with this group.
a part of her was glad the conversation had taken place. she preferred
not to feel that everyone hated her. little did she know that the
conversation was not over. the hippie came to find her again, and they
talked. maybe it was the beer. maybe it was the essence of water under
the bridge. maybe it was the clean, crisp night air. regardless, she
spoke honestly and openly of what had transpired and held nothing back.
she admitted that she was not faultless but acknowledged that she had
been greatly wronged, repetitively. they parted with a hug and she could
not help but to feel a little lighter.
days later, she received an email. part of the email she had received
before and she had chosen not to respond. but this email was not the
honest & open email it should have been- the girl who wrote it lied,
saying she needed nothing, that she was better, that she had learned from
what had happened. she could read between the lines and she knew this
girl better than that. she did not want emails like this to keep
coming. she knew the girl wanted closure so she told her the words the
girl needed to read- that she had forgiven her. that she didn't hate her.
that she had moved on and wanted nothing to do with her. she did it
bluntly and without tact. and she finally felt that this book was finally
closed.
with the apology and the email she didn't want to read but did even though
it made her cry, she successfully put the past behind her.
now, she would be prepared, hoped to be always mid-laugh with beer in hand.
did she spend it well? she spent time watching mindless,
brainless, pointless t.v. and reading randomness online.
did she spend the time in deep soul searching moments?
not once.
okay, well maybe once. a little over a year ago she'd done
what she never thought she'd be able to do- she found
the strength to say "no, i don't want you in my life" she
cut out the one who manipulated her, made her cry, made
her constantly, consistently feel guilty, made her feel like
she was just never enough. in doing so, the ties had been
cut with many of the people in her life- not her choice,
but a consequence of her choice that she had no control
over.
she'd been called many a nasty thing by these others-
the ones who were close enough to think they maybe-kind-of
understood what was going on but were no closer to understanding
anything involved. she'd never really told her
side to these others, choosing instead to be the stronger
person and realize that she deserved better. one of these
others found her when she was at her weakest- an intoxicated late
night/early morning just a day or two after the one year anniversary
of the severing (now referred to her as the exorcism of she-
a funny label given that she had done the exorcising...)
she was totally unprepared, mid-laugh, beer in hand, when she looked
up to see her. the girl had been a hippie type and had been one
of the worst to pass along nasty messages. the hippie had referred
to her as the worst a human could possible be. she was not
interested in hearing more of this- she had avoided the hippie until
now. but eye contact was made and an unoccupied seat beside her filled.
the strangest thing followed- the hippie apologized. and the hippie's
eyes filled with tears and the hippie kept apologizing. she didn't know
what to say- so she said it was okay, no hard feelings, that she
understood (which she did to a point), that it was all forgotten.
the hippie departed in tears shortly after making her cry. she shook it
off and attempted to return to the laughter and love that filled her
life when she was with this group.
a part of her was glad the conversation had taken place. she preferred
not to feel that everyone hated her. little did she know that the
conversation was not over. the hippie came to find her again, and they
talked. maybe it was the beer. maybe it was the essence of water under
the bridge. maybe it was the clean, crisp night air. regardless, she
spoke honestly and openly of what had transpired and held nothing back.
she admitted that she was not faultless but acknowledged that she had
been greatly wronged, repetitively. they parted with a hug and she could
not help but to feel a little lighter.
days later, she received an email. part of the email she had received
before and she had chosen not to respond. but this email was not the
honest & open email it should have been- the girl who wrote it lied,
saying she needed nothing, that she was better, that she had learned from
what had happened. she could read between the lines and she knew this
girl better than that. she did not want emails like this to keep
coming. she knew the girl wanted closure so she told her the words the
girl needed to read- that she had forgiven her. that she didn't hate her.
that she had moved on and wanted nothing to do with her. she did it
bluntly and without tact. and she finally felt that this book was finally
closed.
with the apology and the email she didn't want to read but did even though
it made her cry, she successfully put the past behind her.
now, she would be prepared, hoped to be always mid-laugh with beer in hand.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
the better /whirlwind of change
she couldn't remember the last time she felt this... content. despite the fact that her life had become a whirlwind of change yet again, this time it seemed to be... for the better. it had been a long time coming, this positivity. but now that it was here, she wanted to do everything she could to keep it.
it was no secret that she had not fully enjoyed the past "adventure" that she embarked on... this 'city' was not her favourite, nor was her program. but the people, the people made it worth it. as she set out to embark on a new adventure, her dream adventure, she wondered what would happen to the relationships she fostered here with frenchie and billie and E and a few of the other girls. would it be like the promises of Trent where you say you'll text or call or write, and you don't? she didn't want to think of that today.
today, today she was content to focus on the fact that she'd secured an amazing position at an art gallery. she'd only interviewed at one place, and had walked out with a job. she couldn't believe that someone wanted to pay her to wake up everyday and go to an art gallery. to coordinate their events. she was so unbelievably inspired by this place and couldn't wait to start.
it had even made her make some huge commitments. that's right, the commitment phoebe made a commitment. to a car. perhaps because her sister was 3 years older and didn't own a vehicle the idea of ownership seemed foreign. yet, here we were. a new to her car soon to be all hers. looks like someone is growing up. cheers to starting a real legit grown-up job and life. the potential of moving in with her 'husband' and sunshine made her smile even more. she felt that it was getting impossible to contain her positivity- who would have thought that day would come?
she realized- that her 'someday' was right now.
it was no secret that she had not fully enjoyed the past "adventure" that she embarked on... this 'city' was not her favourite, nor was her program. but the people, the people made it worth it. as she set out to embark on a new adventure, her dream adventure, she wondered what would happen to the relationships she fostered here with frenchie and billie and E and a few of the other girls. would it be like the promises of Trent where you say you'll text or call or write, and you don't? she didn't want to think of that today.
today, today she was content to focus on the fact that she'd secured an amazing position at an art gallery. she'd only interviewed at one place, and had walked out with a job. she couldn't believe that someone wanted to pay her to wake up everyday and go to an art gallery. to coordinate their events. she was so unbelievably inspired by this place and couldn't wait to start.
it had even made her make some huge commitments. that's right, the commitment phoebe made a commitment. to a car. perhaps because her sister was 3 years older and didn't own a vehicle the idea of ownership seemed foreign. yet, here we were. a new to her car soon to be all hers. looks like someone is growing up. cheers to starting a real legit grown-up job and life. the potential of moving in with her 'husband' and sunshine made her smile even more. she felt that it was getting impossible to contain her positivity- who would have thought that day would come?
she realized- that her 'someday' was right now.
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