(this sleepless night found me wandering through my blog, through past entries, through unpublished drafts. i found this one, written in May of 2008, but never published it. i wrote it about Tom.)
cancer.
seems like such a simple word.
it reveals nothing about:
the terror it unleashes on the lives it touches;
the tears and constant raw emotions it evokes;
the utter and total all encompassing feeling of hopelessness it causes.
it seems like you can't escape it.
they say cancer doesn't discriminate.
i don't see that.
all i see is the people i love and care about falling helplessly into its grasp.
the chain smokers, tanning bed lovers, general junkies- they escape it.
or maybe it just seems that way to me.
you might be so lucky as to escape the fate of cancer.
maybe you'll live in complete contentment never understanding the horrors of this disease.
maybe.
but maybe,
maybe you'll be one of those individuals who,
whether they provoked it or not,
end up faced with days of chemo,
weeks of radiation,
endless growing tumors
that never seem to stop.
maybe they'll try everything they can,
maybe it will start to go away,
but maybe it will come back.
maybe it can't be beat.
maybe they'll do everything in their power
but be helpless,
unable to defeat.
maybe no matter how much i love you
maybe no matter how much or how many people care
maybe this is how its supposed to end.
maybe?
maybe i'm scared, terrified even.
maybe i'm not ready to go through all this again.
maybe you're better than this.
maybe you're stronger than this.
maybe you can beat the odds.
maybe thats what i'm hoping for,
maybe thats what i'm praying for,
because maybe, maybe i can't deal with the real reality.
i'm not giving up on you.
i'm not.
and you better not be either.
because maybe you're supposed to be there when i'm graduating.
maybe you're supposed to still have that chance to fall in love.
maybe you've got too many people depending on you to let this get the better of you.
maybe i need you to be there for me, for my family.
you are part of my family and i can't stand the thought of it being otherwise.
thats not a maybe.
this can't be it.
can it?
maybe?
