she'd had a lot of time to spend with herself lately.
did she spend it well? she spent time watching mindless,
brainless, pointless t.v. and reading randomness online.
did she spend the time in deep soul searching moments?
not once.
okay, well maybe once. a little over a year ago she'd done
what she never thought she'd be able to do- she found
the strength to say "no, i don't want you in my life" she
cut out the one who manipulated her, made her cry, made
her constantly, consistently feel guilty, made her feel like
she was just never enough. in doing so, the ties had been
cut with many of the people in her life- not her choice,
but a consequence of her choice that she had no control
over.
she'd been called many a nasty thing by these others-
the ones who were close enough to think they maybe-kind-of
understood what was going on but were no closer to understanding
anything involved. she'd never really told her
side to these others, choosing instead to be the stronger
person and realize that she deserved better. one of these
others found her when she was at her weakest- an intoxicated late
night/early morning just a day or two after the one year anniversary
of the severing (now referred to her as the exorcism of she-
a funny label given that she had done the exorcising...)
she was totally unprepared, mid-laugh, beer in hand, when she looked
up to see her. the girl had been a hippie type and had been one
of the worst to pass along nasty messages. the hippie had referred
to her as the worst a human could possible be. she was not
interested in hearing more of this- she had avoided the hippie until
now. but eye contact was made and an unoccupied seat beside her filled.
the strangest thing followed- the hippie apologized. and the hippie's
eyes filled with tears and the hippie kept apologizing. she didn't know
what to say- so she said it was okay, no hard feelings, that she
understood (which she did to a point), that it was all forgotten.
the hippie departed in tears shortly after making her cry. she shook it
off and attempted to return to the laughter and love that filled her
life when she was with this group.
a part of her was glad the conversation had taken place. she preferred
not to feel that everyone hated her. little did she know that the
conversation was not over. the hippie came to find her again, and they
talked. maybe it was the beer. maybe it was the essence of water under
the bridge. maybe it was the clean, crisp night air. regardless, she
spoke honestly and openly of what had transpired and held nothing back.
she admitted that she was not faultless but acknowledged that she had
been greatly wronged, repetitively. they parted with a hug and she could
not help but to feel a little lighter.
days later, she received an email. part of the email she had received
before and she had chosen not to respond. but this email was not the
honest & open email it should have been- the girl who wrote it lied,
saying she needed nothing, that she was better, that she had learned from
what had happened. she could read between the lines and she knew this
girl better than that. she did not want emails like this to keep
coming. she knew the girl wanted closure so she told her the words the
girl needed to read- that she had forgiven her. that she didn't hate her.
that she had moved on and wanted nothing to do with her. she did it
bluntly and without tact. and she finally felt that this book was finally
closed.
with the apology and the email she didn't want to read but did even though
it made her cry, she successfully put the past behind her.
now, she would be prepared, hoped to be always mid-laugh with beer in hand.
