the train/ trying to find a connection

she had a difficult time recognizing her own reflection in the window. she thought, at first, it was the speed of the landscape flying by as the train sped along the track, gently rocking, but no. the lines of her face were clearly reflected in the glass of the window; she could see the careful arch of eyebrows, eyelashes coated thickly with mascara emphasizing the lack of colour of her irises, her thin lips were pursed and ever so slightly turned down at the corners. all the pieces were there, and she'd seen them everyday, yet she didn't recognize them. maybe it was the separation of colour from her skin and the imprint of gold-orange-brown-green-grey-black leaves and trees and branches and fields and industrial landscape on her face which made it hard for her to recognize herself. or maybe she just wasn't that girl anymore. her fingers brushed the glass, trying to make real the image displayed there. a futile attempt at a connection. she sighed and tried to settle into the trip, avoiding the 'reflection' of herself in the window.

she hated and loved the train. there was a smooth steady silence about it which she found comforting yet she found the voice of the station announcer to be one of the worst noises in the world. perhaps because he so abruptly and constantly cut the silence she so loved. she listened for the sound of her heartbeat in the silence. it seemed to be pounding in her chest. she couldn't hear it above the smooth rolling of the tracks, the soft fan, and the quiet page turning of the boy across from her. so many noises, but it all still felt so silent. she wondered why her heart was beating so fast. she could feel its steady beat throbbing in her chest and while the speed of it concerned her, somehow, she liked the reminder that it was still beating.

she pulled out the novel she was supposed to be reading. she hated that she didn't get to read for herself anymore. she barely stayed on top of reading for class, so the thought of reading something she may actually enjoy, or have picked on her own, was a dream she had yet to be able to accomplish. she supposed that she could learn to better manage her time, but had yet been able to successfully master that concept. four years of this game and at times she felt like she hadn't progressed at all. she'd hoped to 'find herself' while at school. whatever that meant. despite it all, she felt no closer to knowing what she wanted to do with her life or where she wanted to go or how she wanted to get there. perhaps it was a lack of motivation or maybe she was in the wrong place. it was impossible to know.

maybe coming here had been a mistake. she hadn't really looked anywhere else. instead, she'd been set on this school and this program but now struggled to remember why. was it the midnight trips to a secluded concrete campus? the late night wanderings by the river that set this place in her heart? if it was a mistake, she didn't regret it. there were way too many amazing experiences that she'd had along the way to regret it any moment of it. but still she waited. waited for some kind of enlightenment from the experience to occur. she knew that might never happen, yet she clung, almost desperately, to that hope.

the train rocked violently to the right, causing her to glance up and out the window. the lake visible there was a cold steel grey and she couldn't help but notice that she was able to fully see her eyes reflected in the window because of it. she watched the waves roll through the irises of her eyes and found a sense of calm wash over her. while the colour of the water wasn't really a colour but instead was cold and harsh, there was still a beauty to it. and that fact calmed her. she found herself in that moment. that brief instant that her eyes connected her to the lake as the train sped by without acknowledging the connection. she still didn't know what she wanted from life, but she knew she wanted to find that connection again, that sense of belonging. that instant where things simply felt right. she sighed, not knowing how to find such a thing.