the reality/ maybe maybe maybe

she loved the sound that rain made as it hit the roof above her bed. she loved being curled under thick covers and that blissful relaxed feeling of almost sleep as the rhythmic pounding of the rain soothed her to sleep. she wondered why it wasn't working tonight. tonight, her eyes could close and she could be completely cozy beneath the covers, but sleep eluded her. instead, she struggled to quiet her congested mind and find the sleep she so desperately craved. she opened her eyes, realizing that sleep wasn't coming just yet. as she threw back the covers a wave of cold air rushed at her and instantly she was coated in goose bumps. flicking on the light above her desk, she awoke her sleeping computer-- hoping there was an email, an assignment, an errand she was supposed to do but hadn't that was the reason sleep refused to come. but alas, it was not so. her toes felt cold as ice as she sat at her desk.

she dug through the mountain of papers that made up her desk, looking for the one thing that usually helped her sleep. finding it, she decided that bringing it into her cozy bed would be a better place to tempt sleep from. she crawled back under her covers, carrying with her her slightly beaten looking, but well loved journal. but for whatever reason, tonight she couldn't bear to open it. she knew the entries in it well and wasn't ready to add this next one. does postponing reality make it any better she wondered. sighing, she tried to plump her pillow to the utmost level of sleep inducing coziness.

maybe if she wrote it she could sleep.

maybe she needed it to be etched in paper to make it real.

maybe she wasn't ready for it to be real.

maybe it wasn't ready to be documented.

maybe she wouldn't sleep until it was.

maybe she couldn't find the words to make it real, for her or for the paper.

maybe pretending it wasn't real was all that she had.

maybe the journal would decide that.

she picked up her pen and placed it on the next blank page she found.

maybe her heart

maybe her head

maybe... something

would guide her hand and allow her sleep

or maybe this was the beginning of a long string of restless nights.