the possibility/ challenges and changes

she'd been told a lot of things lately- some efforts to keep her smiling, that'd she'd make it our all the better after this year- a better, stronger person. some, on the other hand, were not so supportive. she'd been told that she never gave this city, this experience a chance.

it'd been one of those drunken, 3am, am i going to regret this in the morning and hate myself for saying these things conversations. she'd listened a lot to another girl's story- her trials & tribulations, her challenges and changes. the problem with this is one always starts to reflect on one's own life. and this is precisely what she did.

she thought of the people she missed: the ones she was beyond thankful were still ever present in her life, the ones she was still a believer that they were better missed than to be causing her pain, and of the ones she'd kept at a distance as to avoid any type of possible pain.

a self confessed commitment-phobe, she was asked the oh so challenging question: "but why? doesn't everybody want that somebody in their life? the something-something aside, don't you want that cliche somebody special?" she had to stop and stare after that question. of course she wanted that... didn't she? the accusation of hermiting away quickly followed and stung a little, okay- a lot, when it was brought up.

she didn't see herself as hermiting any more than she had in the past. she considered her past options for frolicking here- they were few and far between. she'd chosen to stay home with friends from home on Hallowe'en, but she hated dressing up and all that came with that anyways. and she rarely saw friends from home here as she was miles away from everyone. she'd also never seen a relationship that started at a bar be of any significance- so why bother there? her classroom was not brimming with any type of possibility unless she were to start favouring the same sex- so that left the question: is hermiting on evenings when others get sloppy drunk really hindering her chance at finding that special somebody?

maybe she wasn't actively seeking that special somebody, but she'd like to think she was open to the idea. she'd been challenging her own seemingly unwarranted fears and trying to make changes to her self philosophy. she'd been open and attempted flirting with the payless boy- in the store and on campus when he struck up a conversation... maybe she just wasn't any good at any of this, that isn't an unlikely possibility.