the city/ you can't lose yourself when you haven't found yourself.

there was a certain vastness, that element of unknown that she loved about the city. she turned another corner knowing each step took her farther from familiar faces and closer to a sense of understanding. despite it all-- everywhere she'd been, everything she'd seen and everything she'd experienced and everything she'd neglected to see and everything she'd missed the opportunity to experience-- was still searching. she didn't know if she'd ever actually find what she was looking for, but she was, for now, enjoying the search. she loved feeling so small yet so important amidst it all. in a sea of people she was just another girl, standing just a little too tall, a blank face with blank eyes. she blended in, and nothing ever felt better that the moments that she disappeared in. no one ever really understood that about her, her strange connection to that feeling of being ultimately small and unimportant. it was why she felt at peace in large cities and beside the ocean. truth be told, she didn't understand the feeling either, but at the same time she refused to question it. it was as much a part of her as any of her other quirks and she wasn't willing to give it up or attempt to explain it to anyone. it just was.

no matter what anyone said, she liked being lost and feeling small. there was something about knowing she was making only a minuscule impact on this world. but in that same thought the people she cared about and who cared about her were always brought to mind. you can't get lost with someone she told herself. being lost is a solo endeavor, not a team sport. but she hated the guilt she felt when she tried to leave them behind. it was almost an unstoppable force within her, the attempt to lose everyone important. it was her biggest fear and her biggest hope that it would happen. she hated that she'd never be complete until she lost herself. but how do you even lose yourself? no matter where you go or who you talk to or who you avoid that one commonality remains: you.

she didn't understand it either. it was just this feeling in her soul. this instinct to run despite the fact nothing was chasing her. or maybe she was chasing her. when things start to fit together too well she had to tear them apart, she was OCD in her organization but obsessively compulsively messy about life too. she needed a certain degree of skewedness to function. sometimes she felt she balanced too well and in those moments she lost who she thought she knew she was. this wasn't lost in the sense she was finding herself, this was just lost. the difference? that feeling of things being just right. she didn't remember the last time she'd felt that. but in all fairness, it wasn't exactly like something was wrong. nothing happened to evoke the change from rightness to nothingness, it just happened. and she was lost. hopelessly, utterly lost. without a map to find her new self and without a path to find her way back. just lost.

it was fall again. she didn't need a crisp breeze or to see the coloured leaves to know this. she could feel it. everytime it hit this time of year, she changed. it wasn't something she could control. and it wasn't something she could reverse. and it wasn't something anything she noticed until it was in full swing. she didn't like to admit her limitations. or her shortcomings. or her strengths. she hated this part of her that she couldn't control. but she was, after all, a control freak, so that wasn't really a surprise. she still couldn't help but wonder what she did to deserve this. every year this time. she wished it didn't happen. even more she wished she knew how to fix it. to change it. to separate it from herself. but she didn't even know if that was possible. it wasn't like she would lose anything by trying. you can't lose yourself when you haven't found yourself.