challenges

you'd think that the hardest part would be pulling out a piece of paper;
pushing the power on button on the computer;
picking up the phone.
yet, these simple actions seem more than impossible to make.
i can't seem to find the perfect paper to frame the words i want to write.
much less the right pen to document them with.
and despite the fact words generally come as easily to me as breathing does,
for you- i cannot seem to find any.
i could sit and scour the dictionary in hopes of stumbling across the ones i want,
the ones i need,
yet i don't bother.
i don't bother to look for the words,
for the paper,
for the pen,
for the phone which has vanished from my sight.
what does that say for how i feel about you?
is my lack of effort a reflection of how i truly feel?
or is it just the opposite?
am i so afraid of what i truly feel?
do i refuse to put myself in a position of being vulnerable?
would i rather push away from anything and everything that i know is real and true?